Note: this review is being aired this week on the international LGBTQ radio syndicate This Way Out, headquartered in Los Angeles. To listen to the entire news wrap, click here.
When I first heard about two new books for queer people coming out of heterosexual marriages, I thought good. Someone needs to talk about how this is done ethically.
In other words, honesty is the best policy – and this means not leading a double life (for any reason).
I was not disappointed. In fact, both books evoked compassion on my part. As a long-time lesbian-feminist with a long-term partner in a world that has seen many advances in LGBT rights, I’ve managed to stay in a bubble where it seems like homophobia rarely touches me. And when it does, I manage to get away.
But these two books focus on the rest of the world where our rights are under attack – indeed where progress is met with a backlash. Sadly, this world does exist.
As Darshana Mahtani writes in Greetings from Janeland (edited by Candace Walsh and Barbara Straus Lodge and published by Cleis Press):
“As an Indian daughter in Barbados, I was told who I was before I could figure it out for myself. My whole life was a preamble to marriage. How to budget for groceries, remove greasy stains from marble tables, make chai, entertain and dress accordingly, pay compliments, satisfy my husband, impress the in-laws, and most importantly, listen without having an opinion –“
So how to get out of an arranged marriage – or, for that matter, any heterosexual marriage?
The answers lie in the pages of this book – which is organized into short stories focusing on the experiences of each woman.
Many of the writers are mothers, some were raised in strict religious traditions, others come from small towns and others come from diverse ethnic backgrounds. More than a few were terrified of losing their children and the support of their families. But they did manage to leave heterosexual marriages that were not working for them. In the process, they were able to create lives where they defined themselves.
Married Men Coming Out (CreateSpace) by David Christel is written out of the author’s experience of facilitating the Married Men’s Coming Out Group for six years. It is a step-by-step guide for coming out with the goal – as he puts it in the subtitle – to become the man you were born to be.”
Christel starts off with the sage advice of paying attention to your emotions. As he writes: “I know, you’re a guy, so checking in on your feelings isn’t what you do. Do it anyway! Not dealing with your feelings is a cultural myth about men that’s been promulgated for eons – men don’t feel, men DO! Yet, men do have feelings that are fundamental to their being.”
The author then goes on to makes suggestions for telling the female spouse:
“Her pain is going to be palpable. Whatever you do, don’t go stoic on her. Let yourself be vulnerable with her. After all, you did marry her and you may have had children with her. Your marriage is based on something and you need to have that come through. This way, she won’t feel completely abandoned by you and let feelings of worthlessness overtake her.”
This book is written with humor interlaced through it, and is very comprehensive. Christel includes coming out to children, other family members, old friends, co-workers and even touches on the gay community. He also mentions support groups for coming out and also groups for dealing with addiction.
Toward the end, he advises: “If you are in a situation where you will lose social standing, please do not choose to hide or lie about who you are. People will actually hold you in higher standing for being truthful, though they may still shut the door on you. That’s their prerogative and you need to be aware of that. In the years to come, some people may still treat you as a topic of disdain, but there may be one person who will say, ‘At least he was truthful with us.’”
To read about my just released novel THEY, a biblical tale of secret genders, click here.
Janet Mason, author 