This morning at the Unitarian Universalist Church of the Restoration (in Philadelphia) I did a talk titled “Meeting Hate With Compassion.” This talk was part of a larger service.
You can view the YouTube video below. If you prefer, you can read the piece below the video.
A few years after my partner and I bought our house, now decades ago, an angry young white man who lived across the street threw rocks at our second story bedroom window. I should say that this man was young but he was an adult.
I had seen this young man looking at me with hatred in his eyes and I knew it was him. We also had been verbally harassed since we had moved into the neighborhood – by him and by others.
Initially, I wanted to throw rocks back at his windows. But I couldn’t do that — since he lived with his grandparents. So I called the police. I reported this as a hate crime — which was the logical thing to do, except that in Philadelphia, at that time, lesbians and gay men were not protected under the hate crimes bill. I was upset – understandably so – and went through the range of emotions at being targeted, including rage and grief. The dispatcher and the officer were open-minded and supportive. The officer encouraged us not to engage with the rock thrower (he said that this usually made things worse).
I’m a practicing Buddhist now, but I wasn’t then. I never thought about it consciously but that experience must have been a major influence. As a wise friend once said, we are all victims of victims. And if we are different, we run the risk of being victimized more. But the point is that we all are different – and we should value those differences in ourselves and each other. Differences are what make a community interesting. Take this one here at Restoration, for example. Also, it’s oppressive to try to be like everyone else – especially if you’re pretending.
Years ago, when the rocks were thrown, I practiced compassion by looking out our bedroom window and noticing that the angry young man had the same look of hatred on his face when he looked at his mother’s husband — a man who was probably not his father. His mother was severely disabled, is now in a nursing home, and her husband left.
Shortly after the 2016 presidential election, my partner Barbara and I went to a gathering where one of the people, a former minister, said that we must have compassion for those who hate because “they are so broken that the only way that they can feel good about themselves is to hate others.”
I knew with sadness that what she said was true. Perhaps I was a natural Buddhist years ago in that I took non-violent action. The police officer (and a neighbor) told us the young man’s full name. When I saw him on the street, I greeted him by name. I told a neighbor who is related to the angry young man that “We were not going to take it, and already called the police.” I also told his grandfather, who he lived with, the same thing. The angry young man’s relatives agreed with me that I should alert the police.
After that, I kept saying hello to him by name whenever I saw him on the street, forcing him to acknowledge me.
The harassment stopped.
Over the years I have become a kind of a patchwork Buddhist. I chant every day, but am not formally affiliated with any group. I learned Nam Myoho Renge Kyo — by watching Tina Turner on YouTube and going to a few Buddhist parties. The mantra is an expression of determination to embrace our Buddha nature and to help others achieve happiness. For me, Nam Myoho Renge Kyo is an ancient vibration that puts me in alignment with the cosmic energy of the universe.
Anger and hatred are at odds with the Buddhist philosophy. One quote, attributed to Buddha says that:
“Hatred is never appeased by hatred in this world; it is appeased by love. This is an eternal Law. If one speaks or acts, with a pure mind, happiness follows one as one’s shadow that does not leave one.”
It bears repeating:
“Hatred is never appeased by hatred in this world; it is appeased by love. This is an eternal Law. If one speaks or acts, with a pure mind, happiness follows one as one’s shadow that does not leave one.”
Nam Myo Renge Kyo
Janet Mason, author 